Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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