I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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