it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I think I sprained my soul last night
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
