Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I need water and some morals
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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