dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
