I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
