Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
