Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I FOUND THE LEGS
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
