I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
