the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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