hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
