some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
