Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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