john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
