i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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