and you said cock pushups were impossible
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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