this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You are a genius and a whore.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
