Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
