Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
