I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
