You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
