I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
