I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
