I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
