So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
