Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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