I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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