How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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