That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
