3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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