First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
