I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
