Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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