My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm too high and old for this...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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