I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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