I have demons in me.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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