You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
