Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
