They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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