My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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