The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
