when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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