I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
