i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
