So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
