I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
