i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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