Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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