Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
