Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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